Words that destroy relationships

As a result of differences in people, disagreements happen everywhere and every time, although it is still perfectly natural to achieve mutual understandings and common solutions in the realm of disagreements. The challenge arises in the methods we apply to resolve these differences. It is quite normal when two adults sit opposite each other and try to overcome their problems however another possibility is the development of the conflict and the use of forbidden methods (verbal conflict only).

These verbal reactions not only offend the partner but also actuate further development of the conflict, accumulating a heavy load in the memory of each participant. Alas, unlike the sparrow that can fly away and be caught, words can not be recaptured. That is why there is a ban on the usage of destructive words, which must be avoided in any quarrel. What are these words?

Such include “always”, “every time”, “constantly” and “never”. Examples are — “You never understand me”; “You always leave dirty tracks from shoes in the hallway; I’m always late because of you” or “I always have to wait for you”. When you say these words, your partner’s hearing perception is that they never do things in a right way, which in fact is not the case. Further, you begin to devalue situations where in reality your partner behaved admirably and they begin to feel undermined because:

a) it means that you did not notice before that they behaved differently

b) it means they constantly makes mistakes that should’ve been addressed earlier.

Moreover, these words trigger a defensive reaction in your partner, and, instead of hearing you, they incorporate a self-defensive and justification strategy.

Unfortunately, there is only one way to get rid of these destructive words — “catch yourself using word”, that is, as soon as you utter these words, stop, breathe in and try to paraphrase what was said, avoiding these words and preventing the conflict from escalating. If you are on the receiving end of these words, use the “Selfmessage“, letting your partner know how you feel, for example: “When you say that I never understand you, I feel very hurt, because …. (Details on “Self-message” techniques are in our trainig programs). It’s a useful technique that helps to shift the conflict from the “adult-child” position to the “adult-adult” position, or from destructive conflict into constructive conflict.

Of note, the main difference between destructive and constructive conflict is that the result of constructive conflict is peace and greater understanding and the partners get closer to solving the problem. On the contrary, a destructive conflict leaves a feeling of even greater alienation and resentment.

Manipulative phrases and other forbidden expressions in conflict such as “If you love me for real, you…” and “You do not love me at all… will be discussed in a future post.

Intetested in becoming a Genius of Communication?

Get More for Your Budgetwith our special offers

Would you like to make your Genius of Communication training more proactive and productive?
To suit your needs we have designed three special offers, which include:

  • Daily Motivational Assignments for 49 days
  • An Itemized Personal Agenda with daily to-do list
  • Personal Coaching sessions
  • Access to the Webinar Series on Happy Relationships in Couples
  • Access to the Webinar Series on Effective Professional Relationships
  • Access to the Webinar Series on Favourable Parent-Child Relationships
  • At-Home Educational Cinema Reviews
  • 2-Day Intensive Group Workshop

Find the option that works best for you...

Learn more


How good your communication skills are?

Start now

Our programs are for you if:
  • you are introverted and find it difficult to communicate;
  • you are building a new business and need to develop leadership skills;
  • you are ambitious and want to have an advantage over others;
  • you are tired of misunderstandings and confusions in communication;
  • you want to improve your status and play in the "big leagues";
  • you conduct negotiations and want to influence with more impact;
  • you are tired of being misunderstood and not accepted;
  • you are tired of loneliness and desire to build a healthy relationship;
  • you want to minimize challenges in communication and avoid conflicts;
  • you feel frustrated and anxious when meeting new people;
  • you need to strengthen your self-esteem and confidence;
  • you want to become a public figure and increase your influence;
  • you want to enjoy communication and be accepted in any company;
  • you agree that networking should be an integral part of your life.

Join the Discussion What subjects interest you?